I was so hopeful that this would be my last EMDR session. After I’d written my letter to my womb (still sounds bonkers) the main thing we’d worked on before – that I should believe my womb was not trying to deceive me – was genuine. I wholeheartedly accepted it, and I could bear to think back to the memory of being told when my womb was empty.
We worked a bit on when I had the emergency operation to check my ovaries, stop internal bleeding and remove ‘the products of conception’. What a hated phrase. Much like ‘miscarriage’ fails to convey the devastating situation it is, this is equally clinical and was hard to see it written down. What it meant was that my baby had been removed. At the time I was grateful it had been as I didn’t want to have a miscarriage and see whatever had developed slowly bleed out of me. I think my body probably did find it a bit of a shock – being pregnant one moment and then suddenly not. And I will never know when the baby stopped developing. But I don’t think these are big issues and it felt a bit fake during the session that I was focusing on them.
It would be stretching things to say that I am better, but I felt I’d been a really good patient (always this issue with me!) and had worked hard during the sessions, and at home, and had done ‘extra’ homework. I was so pleased when my therapist said it was a good idea of mine to write a letter to an actual body part of mine – that she hadn’t thought of that before. I felt so positive and was pleased to say I didn’t believe negative things about my body. We’re done here, I thought! I was fully expecting her to say, ‘you have worked super hard and you are now as sorted as you can be – maybe see you in the future if you want’. But no. She said ‘same time next week?’
I was crushed. Much as I really like and trust my therapist, I want all this to be over. I want to get back to my normal life and be able to function. I was really surprised she said this. It turns out, though, that she was right, as I found out a few days later. More in the next post.