A resurgence of losing my grip

After my fourth EMDR session I was so gutted I hadn’t been ‘signed off’. After all my hard work to get better, someone else was firmly judging me as not better. A friend pointed out that this is a very common trait with me and I do it with everything – work, fitness etc. – I throw everything I can at it, and will it to all be sorted, and am then surprised and annoyed when someone else challenges it.

While I still continue to sleep normally, I’ve had horrible vivid dreams again since the last EMDR sessoin as I’ve woken up. That wasn’t much fun. I had a few really bad days of just feeling tired. Not as bad as before – I found daytime TV unwatchable, which is a relief in a sense because the normal me can’t stomach that kind of thing. It left me a bit clueless as to what do to.

My best day was when I sorted out my bedroom (tidied drawers up) at a very slow pace with Radio 4 on. Yes, that was my favourite day of the week. I realised at the end of that day that actually, I’m not able to do much at the moment. I don’t mean physically – I mean dealing with people, unexpected circumstances and everyday challenges.

I went to see friends for drinks that night – rare these days and good that I felt physically better, but I just didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay in my cave. I found some innocuous things they said hard to deal with and I didn’t know why. I just wanted to go home.

The next day, Saturday, I needed to get to hospital for a long-waited MRI scan. I’ve had a shoulder injury for 18 months and it’s been painful, every day, all that time. The scan date was given to me weeks ago. It also happened to be day 19 of a cycle. There is almost no chance we have managed to get pregnant naturally – trying via IVF is a 10% chance. There was no way I could test to see if that miracle had occurred because it was too soon. I have been nauseous for a week, but that’s my normal at the moment.

I couldn’t say I wasn’t pregnant but I know it’s very unlikely. I’d checked online about MRIs and pregnancy and all studies said that without contrast (i.e. without an injection to show things up) there were no issues.

So we went and walked past the maternity wing and women with huge bumps, past the entrance to the Early Pregnancy Clinic where I’d been checked and eventually admitted for an emergency operation. I filled in my form saying that there was a very low chance I could be 2 weeks pregnant.

They got me to change out of my clothes but then the radiologist came and spoke to me and said that she couldn’t do the MRI because their policy was not do it during the first trimester. But if I’m not pregnant, can I book a date straight away to avoid this issue? I asked. No, the woman responded. Then how can we sort one out? I’ll just have to wait until after the baby is born she said.

Like there is definitely going to be a baby.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough but I’d already started to sob at the entrance. I cried hysterically all the way to the car, all the way home, and then for ages in bed. And then I had nothing left all that day. A whole, beautiful, sunny day wasted with me being in bed, sobbing on and off all day.

In the car, I wanted to scream and shout and go crazy but I didn’t because my partner was with me and I didn’t want to scare him – and I know he’d immediately try and stop it and make me better. Helping people is what drives him but I needed to scream and shout and couldn’t do that, and so all that pain and anger and frustration internalised.

What she was saying was perfectly reasonable. I should have phoned and discussed with them but it isn’t a real pregnancy to me and I think that is probably why I couldn’t do it. I also thought they would have said it was OK. Whatever my reason for having a meltdown – walking past those places, not being in a good coping place already, having my hopes to sort out my painful shoulder dashed – probably all of that. Whichever way, I completely lost it.

I would love it if this was our story – the MRI got cancelled even though mummy didn’t believe she was pregnant but guess what? You were in there! But I KNOW this isn’t true. I know that I’m not pregnant. Well OK, I don’t 100% know that, but I can’t let myself believe it and I’ve had no symptoms anyway. The day after – the Sunday – I had cramping during the day, and the Monday I was massively hormonal. I know my period will slink along at the end of this week because that is just what will happen.

I still feel completely miserable and very tired from being so upset. Guess my therapist was right to book my next appointment. My PTSD is still there 😦


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