I was really reluctant to go to my EMDR session this time. I told my therapist this and how frustrated I was that I wasn’t fixed, and what an awful few days I’d had.
We didn’t do any EMDR treatment, we just talked instead. She said that I had some good strategies in place and was now dealing with distressing incidents as they were happening. I have come a really long way! But I think I’m also mentally exhausted by all the therapy I’ve been happening. I didn’t realise that until I drove home. I’ve got a few week’s off from therapy because of other things happening and I’m glad and grateful for the breathing space. It has been an incredibly intense 5 weeks and it has been hugely beneficial. My partner said that these last two weeks, I’ve smiled more than I have during the last 6 months. I am getting back to being the old me, and that is entirely down to the EMDR sessions.
Our story is unfinished and uncertain though. We have one frozen embryo waiting for us. Both of us think there’s very little chance it will take, or keep growing. We’d also made the decision that this would be the last time we’d have IVF, or try for a baby. It’s all been so incredibly heartbreaking that neither of us can keep going, keep hoping, keep pushing for a positive outcome. We decided that this next cycle would be when we try and use that embryo, if it defrosts successfully.
It’s beyond intense to realise that within 3 weeks we will know the outcome of that last attempt. I keep crying whenever I think about it. Letting go is so very hard.
I feel it is too much of an obstacle for the EMDR to continue. Until I know, for sure, that I won’t be able to have a baby this time, I can’t fully heal. The only positive thing is that the limbo I currently in will soon be over.